Perhaps one mote post on Tumblr is called for. This whole situation is merely an allusion. An upaya, tricking me into a deeper learning, a deeper understanding. Giving me something worth holding onto, thank god.

There is need for one more post. To not end on a sour note. To see closure, to let go. To show how hideously beautiful this world can be, and why I can’t look away.

It may take some time, to press these new feelings through the machinery of language. To express the ineffable once again. Perhaps a good analogy, allusion, or just plain old honesty.

We shall see what is in store…

Yes. I think it may be time to move on. Soon I’ll delete the content from this Tumblr, and have a more dedicated venue. Then this will be relegated back to standard social media affair. Most of this is meant to be somewhat anonymous anyway.

I’ll be out there, waiting, wanting, wishing. Living and dying. Hoping and dreaming. Crying in forlorn despair one minute, wrestling life by the horns the next. I’ll adapt, and grow, and try so hard to understand, to come to terms, to find not peace, but equilibrium at least.

Those who know where to look will find me. Those that care to, will know me. So long Tumblr, you’ve been a useful medicine for me, perhaps someday fortunes will bring us together under better circumstances, where I might once again feel free to bleed my heart onto your servers. Until then…

It been real…
-Theonetruebrian

This thing has a tidal motion, ebbing in and out. An undertow. I know you can swim, but from where I am it’s a long way to shore, and the waters that feel so warm when when you dip your toes in, are cold and filled with sharks not far below the surface. Whatever you do, wear some floaties.

We all struggle, don’t we. We all stare at the same sky, looking as if the clouds are rushing by when it is us who spin. Turning in the widening gyre, the falcon sees us as we are. Specs on the glass of time, racing by and out of sight, smaller and smaller as we go. Waiting for the brush of time to paint over us.

All the machinery in the world could not alter our fate, no lever could pry the stars so aligned. Perhaps it was not my place to heed such warnings, and have passed, by pure nature, that curse to those I love. Touched across time, budged by cosmic levers too small to be seen, too many to be controlled. A kiss of death, laid upon the baby’s forehead like a half digested grenade.

My computer.

Lately my computer has been running like crap. Does anyone know how to fix it?

My processes are all crossed. I feel like I’ve got too many items starting at launch every morning. Maybe if I could log in as root, I could kill those processes taking up so much CPU time, or log out a user or something. But alas, I fear this crack in my display has hindered my ability to accurately read the world being projected. These LEDs are ruptured, spilling color without meaning. I’ve lost access to the menu and my fans are spinning like crazy.

I’ve tried some programs that are supposed to cool the system and provide some extra space to operate in, which worked for a time. But the expenses involved with subscriptions and the way the system lags when the subscription runs out kinda defeats the purpose.

Lately the games that everyone else seems to love to play don’t run very well on my machine. I don’t know if it’s my preferences, or my library, but the games aren’t as fun on my system. I don’t really get them anymore. All about building inventories of expensive items (even if they have no stat bonus) and trying to make a friends list a mile long. I like my tiny list, and I like the way my machine runs other games and apps, but people don’t seem to play them.

Well, it doesn’t matter anyway, I downloaded this virus a while back, and for a while it made everything seem to run smoother. My browser warned me it might be a malicious site, but I clicked through anyway, like a sucker, and downloaded the other UI. It was like the regular UI, except way cooler. It had this rosy overlay, that made even ordinary stuff look kinda cool, it even made all those old games fun again.

But eventually, after it filled my hard drive with a million little copies and aliases, and after I had let it have admin access to my whole system (even my power supply!) it turned into a Trojan and looted my system from the inside. It pretty much used my system to find another host, then crashed my system on the way out.

Now my display is all screwy, all my best files are corrupt, my games don’t run right, hell even my music just doesn’t sound the same.

My friend had a similar problem, he said he was gonna trash the system and go find a new one. I told him he should wait, cuz his machine was still fairly new, and he has some pretty advanced software that might just need an update to fix some bugs. I told him he should invest in his machine and it would probably work out better, and that even a shitty PC would be better than no machine at all. Do you think I gave him good advice?

Cuz I kinda know how he feels. My OS is beachballing over the same old processes still, still running that virus even though it’s on someone else’s machine now. I don’t know if my hard drive can be saved, and even though I don’t really care about all those documents and pictures (they were mostly from the virus anyway) I’d still hate to lose them completely. As it is I can barely make out the thumbnail anyway. I think my power supply was damaged by the virus. Is that possible? It’s just been putting out less energy lately. I can see some of my wires are frayed, and I’m worried they might start a fire, then they’ll damage or destroy something else I love, and that would be horrible.

Lately my battery has been draining really fast too, maybe cuz my fans keep spinning, and each time I go to put it on the charger, I keep getting popups from that virus and then it just wants to go to sleep and won’t accept a charge… I’m beginning to think it just has too many problems.

But then I think about an old friend. He had a really great machine, but he pushed it too far and it crashed, now he can never go online again. He misses out on everything now. I bet he would know how to make this machine purr, after being offline so long.

I used to think this computer would last forever. A few repairs might be needed, sure, but lately I’m worried it’s a lemon, and I’m just wasting time with it. I remember when I used to go everywhere with it, it was a workhorse, I’d be plugging peripherals into fancy new models and running the most up to date stuff, but now I need it to do more. It seems like every website I go to has a Trojan or some kind of virus. Is that just because my system is fucked up? Or have you been seeing the same thing? Everywhere I look it’s like no one knows where their home folder is anymore.

I just want a nice, simple, and elegant program, I really only need the one. I’d love it if it ran like some of my older programs, but I don’t mind learning a few new curves to get the software running smoothly. But it’s gotta be something that can update with my system, so that I don’t become incompatible with it. Therefore it needs to have a robust foundation and some artistic coding, and those are hard to find. I found a few, but they turned out to be empty shells, little more than scripts.

I guess I’ll try to get it to work. I know I can’t erase it, but I’ll try to find a way to make the virus take up less time, maybe find another virus and start all over (is that stupid?). And if I don’t look so directly at the crack, I can probably see enough of the desktop and windows to find the important stuff on there, and free up some space to store them. My battery DOES have a few cycles on it, but it hasn’t reached it’s expected lifespan yet or given me any ‘service battery soon’ alerts, so I can probably condition the cells with proper charging, get a little more use out of it. And I think if I find some better external peripherals, and fix some of my OS issues, my fans will probably spin slower and use less power, and then the system can devote more energy to going online again.

How is your computer running? Know any tricks? Do you know where I can find some quality software, or at least some tech support? Hope your compy is is doing better than mine!1! If I get it fixed, maybe I’ll see you online…