Theonetruebrian
Missing people always brings me back to Billy. Of all the people I’ve lost, that one hurts the most. Remember the time(s): • I popped the tired on your brand new bike, bunny hopping a pothole? • You lied and took the blame so your sister and I could still go out? We loved you for that. We snuck you McDonalds. • We got lost in the deer trails? • Hit golfballs off the barn roof? • Played manhunt, and you hopped on the back of the golf-cart while I was ‘it’ and I drove you right to base? • We would wrestle your dog Blaze, and you would give him the “Billyplex” and flip him upside down? • I slept over and we missed the bus cuz we were up all night trying to beat Resident Evil? Not realizing we never got the rocket launcher and had basically no chance of winning with that pistol. • We played the best team in the league, and your Dad bet us we couldn’t win? I scored a hat trick, and you made that amazing save in overtime. Your dad had to sponsor us the next season. Glorious… • The bus driver wouldn’t let us get off to get breakfast because we were so bad? You pulled an invisible mic from the ceiling and said “lllllet’s get ready to rummmmbbbblllle!” and we all broke out fighting. She kicked the whole bus off and we all got breakfast. • I lost my virginity to your sister? • We got drunk for the first time?. We didn’t know any better. I slept on your bathroom sink. • I would sleep over, but really you were just helping your sister and I have secret rendezvous? • I met Nicole at your party, and ended up drunk in the bathroom with her. That was probably the greatest night of my life. We dumped the bottles and cans in the woods, and my stepdad found them, but never knew it was us. I dated her for years. • Partied at Legion Field every weekend for that summer? • Remember when we would throw stuff at signs? You were like a ninja with that. We could be doing 50 and you’d still time it right. • Remember when you gave me a ride home on the hood of your car, cuz it was too packed with girls? You slowed down too fast and ran me over. I still have some great scars from that. Those were some intricate lies we told about that one. • I fought 2 guys because everyone ran when they pulled the gun? It was stupid in hindsight. A teenager’s pride, defending his GF’s honor, whatever. It was a glorious battle, but when I tired the fat one managed to get his knife out, and that was that. You tried to make up for running, but you didn’t need to. • We ended up at 7-11 one morning after a night of partying, and Gary found that giant bag of coke just chilling in the parking lot? • We were wiring that house with “Ebert” (as you called him) and got news a plane had struck the twin towers? • You got that PT Cruiser, and it was the coolest thing for a while because nobody had ever seen one? I also remember, very vividly, the time I woke up wondering why your sister would call so early, so out of the blue. I remember being angry, answering the phone, never thinking it could be such bad news. I remember her voice. She had to say it three times, three different ways, to get it through to me. “There was an accident yesterday. Billy and Marc both died… Brian… Billy is dead.” Tears. Not, ‘OMG my best friend in the world just died’ tears, those would come later. These were ‘is this a dream, too surreal to compute’ tears. Quiet tears. Tears of realization, coupled with the momentary feeling of unity, sharing something so horrible with someone I had loved so much. I’m glad she was the one who told me. I remember your wake. I skipped your funeral, because I couldn’t stand to see those people carry your casket. I still feel ashamed I never outright told you those people would drag you down with them. I’ll never go to your grave. I can justify it a million logical ways, but the truth is I’m afraid of what will happen to me when I get there. I’m afraid you’ll remind me of how happy we all were, of how innocent we are in youth. About how how short life is. I’m afraid all the things I hate, all the pain from Jessie, all my shortcomings… will outweigh that joy that I remember. I’m afraid I’ll stop being grateful to have known you, and just focus on all the times I’ve had without you, and how I’ve wasted something that you never had: time. Of how you’d have done a better job. Of how fucked up I’ve been, having never really processed what happened, and what effects that has had on my life. I feel like I let you down. I’m afraid you’ll know that I only miss you this much because someone hurt me, and when I was with her she made me forget about you. Most of all I’m afraid my memories don’t do you justice, my friend. I could never place your ineffable story into words, they’ll never relate how amazing you were. They’ll never tell how much I miss you. Outside your family, there were only a handful of people that truly got to know you. Thank god I am one of those people.

Missing people always brings me back to Billy. Of all the people I’ve lost, that one hurts the most.

Remember the time(s):

• I popped the tired on your brand new bike, bunny hopping a pothole?
• You lied and took the blame so your sister and I could still go out? We loved you for that. We snuck you McDonalds.
• We got lost in the deer trails?
• Hit golfballs off the barn roof?
• Played manhunt, and you hopped on the back of the golf-cart while I was ‘it’ and I drove you right to base?
• We would wrestle your dog Blaze, and you would give him the “Billyplex” and flip him upside down?
• I slept over and we missed the bus cuz we were up all night trying to beat Resident Evil? Not realizing we never got the rocket launcher and had basically no chance of winning with that pistol.
• We played the best team in the league, and your Dad bet us we couldn’t win? I scored a hat trick, and you made that amazing save in overtime. Your dad had to sponsor us the next season. Glorious…
• The bus driver wouldn’t let us get off to get breakfast because we were so bad? You pulled an invisible mic from the ceiling and said “lllllet’s get ready to rummmmbbbblllle!” and we all broke out fighting. She kicked the whole bus off and we all got breakfast.
• I lost my virginity to your sister?
• We got drunk for the first time?. We didn’t know any better. I slept on your bathroom sink.
• I would sleep over, but really you were just helping your sister and I have secret rendezvous?
• I met Nicole at your party, and ended up drunk in the bathroom with her. That was probably the greatest night of my life. We dumped the bottles and cans in the woods, and my stepdad found them, but never knew it was us. I dated her for years.
• Partied at Legion Field every weekend for that summer?
• Remember when we would throw stuff at signs? You were like a ninja with that. We could be doing 50 and you’d still time it right.
• Remember when you gave me a ride home on the hood of your car, cuz it was too packed with girls? You slowed down too fast and ran me over. I still have some great scars from that. Those were some intricate lies we told about that one.
• I fought 2 guys because everyone ran when they pulled the gun? It was stupid in hindsight. A teenager’s pride, defending his GF’s honor, whatever. It was a glorious battle, but when I tired the fat one managed to get his knife out, and that was that. You tried to make up for running, but you didn’t need to.
• We ended up at 7-11 one morning after a night of partying, and Gary found that giant bag of coke just chilling in the parking lot?
• We were wiring that house with “Ebert” (as you called him) and got news a plane had struck the twin towers?
• You got that PT Cruiser, and it was the coolest thing for a while because nobody had ever seen one?

I also remember, very vividly, the time I woke up wondering why your sister would call so early, so out of the blue. I remember being angry, answering the phone, never thinking it could be such bad news. I remember her voice. She had to say it three times, three different ways, to get it through to me.

“There was an accident yesterday. Billy and Marc both died… Brian… Billy is dead.”

Tears. Not, ‘OMG my best friend in the world just died’ tears, those would come later. These were ‘is this a dream, too surreal to compute’ tears. Quiet tears. Tears of realization, coupled with the momentary feeling of unity, sharing something so horrible with someone I had loved so much. I’m glad she was the one who told me.

I remember your wake. I skipped your funeral, because I couldn’t stand to see those people carry your casket. I still feel ashamed I never outright told you those people would drag you down with them. I’ll never go to your grave. I can justify it a million logical ways, but the truth is I’m afraid of what will happen to me when I get there. I’m afraid you’ll remind me of how happy we all were, of how innocent we are in youth. About how how short life is. I’m afraid all the things I hate, all the pain from Jessie, all my shortcomings… will outweigh that joy that I remember. I’m afraid I’ll stop being grateful to have known you, and just focus on all the times I’ve had without you, and how I’ve wasted something that you never had: time. Of how you’d have done a better job. Of how fucked up I’ve been, having never really processed what happened, and what effects that has had on my life. I feel like I let you down. I’m afraid you’ll know that I only miss you this much because someone hurt me, and when I was with her she made me forget about you.

Most of all I’m afraid my memories don’t do you justice, my friend. I could never place your ineffable story into words, they’ll never relate how amazing you were. They’ll never tell how much I miss you. Outside your family, there were only a handful of people that truly got to know you.

Thank god I am one of those people.

Posted 6 months ago